M-Bare-Assed Chronicles

Because I so often am apt to get myself into the most cringe-worthy scenarios one could possibly imagine, I thought why not share these stories - then we can all have a good laugh and admit that I am a complete and utter tool.

I call this tale "Mustachio".

When I was in Ray-Dee-Oh school, in my second year I co-hosted a countdown show on Friday nights called "The Dirty 30". My co-host was named Dylan. One night, for some reason or another I was running late for our 10 p.m. broadcast time. Dylan arrived ahead of me only to find himself locked out of the college campus station. Upon my arrival, he told me how he had been graciously let in, in the knick of time no less, by a testosterone-laden female security guard. Now this particular security guard was well known throughout my college as this unfortunate gal sported a shaved head and more facial hair than my then-teenage brother. Anyways, that fateful evening, going against EVERYTHING our two well meaning professors had futilely tried to teach us, Dylan & I engaged in the most self-absorbed, least entertaining nonsensical 2-hour radio program one could imagine. It was full of inside jokes and random thoughts and nary a thought was given to anyone who might have been listening. Dylan & I embarked on a wild bit about how the security guard who had rescued him and allowed the show to get to air in time was almost like a Superhero....one which I promptly nicknamed "Mustachio"....live on the air. This bit of course went on way too long and I'm sure served to entertain no one but ourselves. Nonetheless we wrapped up our show and went out for drinks. Later over the course of that weekend I received an email from one of my professors concerning a complaint he had received about Dylan & I's show that prior Friday. Thinking it surely had to be something Dylan said (sorry D), I inquired as to what the complaint had been. As it turns out, many offices and faculty of the college listened to the campus radio station....including the security room. Mustachio had heard the entire show and was understandably hurt and embarassed that we had publicly humiliated her on the air. Nevermind the fact that she may very well have been the only person listening at that particular instant...I was immediately horrified to think of the ramifications of what I had done. How could I be so mean? It was unlike me to want to hurt anyone like that. (I was the same girl who in Grade 6, showed up to my elementary school after having been fitted that very day with HEAD GEAR.....the first pupil in said school to ever be subjected to such cruel & unusal orthodontic practices. It was in between classes so I thought I could fairly easily get to my class and slide into my seat unnoticed. Until two 8th graders - this shcool only went to Grade 8, so these boys were incredibly intimidating to me - looked at me and one of them sneered "What the fuck is wrong with your head? Are you mentally retarded or something?") Anyways, even prior to then I was always very cautious about not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings.

But in my second year of college that is precisely what I had done. I could have gotten over that part of it.....the embassing part came when my teacher insisted my punishment would be that I concoct an apology to recite in-person to Mustachio. And not only that but he would escort me to the security office at a pre-arranged time to do so. My professor and I met at the station one evening that very week and I endured a very silent, awkward walk to the other side of the campus. Mustachio emerged from the security office and while I was careful to avoid looking at the dark smattering of peach fuzz on her upper lip I could not help but noticing that on this day she had also chosen a vibrant shade on hot-pink lipstick. and yes, I'm aware that the term "hot-pink" only has relevance to things from the 80's. But there it was, right on her face. Anyways, I stammered through the most awkward face-to-face apology ever uttered on this earth, while the three of us stood in a circle in the middle of an empty hallway...."Um, I'm very sorry for what I did. I should never have referred to you in that way...um, as Mustachio.....It was very stupid...stupid....I promise to be more responsible in the future."

I am, to this day, one credit short of being an official Radio Broadcasting diploma holder......I chalk that up to karma. And I can live with it.