Monday, May 31, 2010


.....I am sunburnt within an inch of my life. The problem with getting sunburnt is that you aren't allowed to compalin about it. It's like a hangover. You've done it to yourself.

No one offers any sympathy. My mom scolded me and told me I probably have skin cancer. The boy got endless amusement out of my bizarre tan lines and said more times than was necessary "Well, I told you....."

This morning, as I lay on the couch, feeling as if me entire body was on fire, unable to move, covered from head to toe in globs of green, slimy first aid cooling gel, starting to blister, I looked at the boy and wailed, "I look like a monster!!"

"No look fine. Feel better ok? Have a good day Nessie."

Then he walked out the door.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Do you ever.,....

.....dream some super hot guy is totally hitting on you....then a few minutes later in the dream you turn around, or you open your eyes after fiercely making out with him, only to realize he has morphed into some ugly sketch bag?

This happened to me last night. I kept making out with him in my dream though. But I was pretty bummed out about it.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

What an amazing....

....long weekend.

Friday night, the Pub reunion went over perfectly. It was so good to see everyone. Almost all the girls and all the regulars were able to make it. I didn't bring my camera out even once, which I'm sad about. Most o fmy guests are probably relieved.

I bailed by 12:30 and went to bed....leaving the boy to entertain the remaining crowd and clean up. I'm such a good hostess. Then I woke up Saturday, dreadfully hungover, and we hit the road for the 7 hour trip to Ottawa. We stopped at the cottage and got to visit with my grandparents. We helped them put the dock in which meant about 3 hours in the very chilly water. It was worth it though. Then onto Ottawa. Got to visit more family, enjoy numerous BBQ's, a boat ride, even a record setting quick visit (um, like 4 minutes) with an old friend.

In the span of 6 hours I went from pasty white..... having the most awkward, tacky uneven sunburn ever.

Lola also felt the effects of the sun's harmful rays.

Here she is pre-boat ride:

I like to call that her Billy Idol look. See how her lip gets stuck in her teeth sometimes? It literally melts my heart. It's sick.

Anyways, if you ever wondered what a seasick dog looks like, you are about to find out.

And I realized that the boy may be many thing....but photogenic is not one of them.

We also went to the Super Loblaws. Coming from Owen Sound, where we do not have these types of things, it was like being at Disneyland. You could really tell I live in a small town. I was in awe. I got lost. I spent about 5 minutes in the bistro section, which overlooks the entire store, cazing in amazement at it's seemingly endless aisles of glory. I need to get out more. I wanted to take a picture bu tthe boy told me normal people don't do that sort of thing. Then he ran off to the baked goods area and left me to my own devices on the clothing section. Yes, clothing section. So we got our buns, and a sundress, and got the heck out of there before people realized there were outsiders in their midst.

Oh, and went went to Arby's. Not once but twice. The second time we spent $19. Just on the .99 cent value menu. You do the math.

I've written....

....about my grandma Marmy on here before. She is pretty much the cutest, best lady in the world.

I find everything about her adorable. From her teeny, tiny Red Hat socks..... the fact that she cooked 24 hot dogs for dinner at the cottage on Saturday evening. There were 6 of us there.

I inherited..... father's height. His chin. His temper. His man hands (thanks dad).

Apparently, despite all this, it was too much to ask that I also inherit his skin tone. Allow me to demonstrate:

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Just another incident.... remind me that I will never be cool.

This morning, while in the drive thru at Tim Horton's, one of the boys exes pulled in behind me. Now, this isn't a problem. I get along with her just fine. I waved politely and continued waiting in line for my turn to order.

Then I heard a voice calling my name. It was the ex.

"Hey Jamie, did you put all those dents in that van?!".

I was driving my mother-in-laws van, which I adore. However a few years ago, while being driven by another family member, the van was involved in a minow, albeit unfortunate encounter with a median. This left a massive dent all down the driver's side panel.

I laughed it off, trying to appear unfazed and casual, difficult for me to pull off at the best of times, let alone when facing someone's ex.

Come on Jamie, keep things breezy and light. Laugh. Act cool.

So I made some attempt at a witty (i.e. lame) jab mocking the driving skills of the realtive who was responsible for the dents. (This is where karma rears it's ugly head. Read on.)

Atta girl.

I felt smugly satisfied with myself. For about 3 seconds.

Then, as I tried to navigate the ridiculously dangerous curve of the drive through lane while simultaneously fishing the exact change out of the wallet in my lap, my purse strap somehow became entangled in the steering wheel. It's when I attempted to pull it loose that things go catastrophically atrocious.

The drive through line continued to advance and I panicked. I tried to pull my purse loose while advancing slowly but something unespected happened. The wheel gathered up all the slack in the purse strap and I couldn't turn the wheel at all. But I was still advancing around the curve....and now, towards the wall of the building. I slammed on the brakes with less than an inch to spare. And now found the van and at awkward and impossibly manoevrable angle to the wall. As in, I wasn't going to be able to straighten myself out without an embarassing 13-point turn. But my entire purse was now coiled so tightly around the steering wheel column, I couldn't even budge. I put the van into park and spent what felt like an eternity trying to disengage it. All the while the woman at the drive through window is staring at me, wondering why I'm not moving forward to claim my order. The ex is still behind me, and with the angle I'm at, I'm sure she had a perfect view into the driver's seat of my van.

She would have been able to see the mangled fusion of purse with the steering column. She would have noticed that through the course of this mishap the activation of the turning signal, blinking maniacally, and just beyond my reach. She may have seen my panic and confusion as I slowly edged forward only to suddenly find myself heading at a relatively steady speed towards the brick wall. She probably saw my collected facade crumble as I realized what was happening. She probably saw the tears begin to form behind my aviator shades.

She may have seen the coins and pens receipts and lip gloss come spilling out of my open handbag as the steering wheel, seemingly possessed, oscillated wildly, sending the contents within spewing all over the interior.

I was holding everyone up. The cars in front of me had long ago pulled out into the street. The cars behind me began to bottleneck, probably wondering what I was doing. The woman at the window stared at me expectantly.....impatience creeping into her eyes. The ex behind me....oh god. Hadn't I just made a dumb crack about other people's driving abilities?? Please, no. Why did I do that?

After what seemed like hours, but was probably only a matter of seconds, I somehow managed to free my purse and throw it forcefully into the passenger seat beside me. I ungracefully maneuvered the van back on course and made the 7 foot drive of shame the remainder of the way through the drive thru.Mercifully the window attendant did not ask me if I was ok or what had happened. And I couldn't bring myself to look into the rearview mirror to see her. \

I wish I cold say I was making this up. Unfortunately it's just another example of karma giving me the equivalent of a sudden, rapid punch in the face.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I find it weird.....

.....when the same person constantly adds and then deletes me as a Facebook friend. Seriously, it's been like 4 times now. I barely know them. But now they are the Facebook equivalent of a crazy ex.

My nightmare.....

....just came to life.

Usually when I wear flip flops, especially new ones whose durability hasn't been put to the test yet, I always bring a spare pair in my purse. I am petrified of breaking a flip flop and not being in a position where I can go home and get a new pair.

I bought new flip flops on the weekend. And they just broke. And I'm on the air for the next 2 hours. I just had to walk through the station barefoot like a muzzy bum.

Thanks to my boss for "muzzy". Expect to hear that word used a lot more often.

Update: I went to replace my broken flip flops yesterday, and of course, where there had been racks upon racks of flip flops on Friday when I bought them, there were now 3 pairs. None my size. Of course. So I decided to just return them and spend my $5 sandal budget elsewhere. When I went t othe counter I explained to the woman that I had just bought these shoes and wore them only a couple days before the strap had broken. I joked to her that I would have exchanged them but that I could not squeeze my dainty size 10 foot into a size 7.
And completely sincerely and genuinely, she responded, "Oh no, you don't want to do that. You'll just end up braking another shoe."


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I've been.... terrible at updating my blog lately. It's awful. I feel like I have nothing even remotely worth sharing. We had a yard sale. Note to self, yard sales on Sundays fail.

I am busy planning the pub reunion party for the girls and the regular customers. Everyone's coming to my place this Friday. Then I made the poor choice of planning a trip to Ottawa the very next morning. 8 hours in a car, in long weekend traffiuc, with at least 2 dogs....and more than likely hungover? Idiot.

I am looking forward to stopping at the cottage on the way home to help my grandparents open it for the season. This is my absolute favourite place on earth. Waking up there, and hearing the birds and the tree frogs and boats heading out early in the morning in bliss. Ok, enough gushing.

Plus, I will get to see my family, and if I'm lucky, and can squeeze it in, maybe catch up with a few old friends too.

The house is still for sale. And it's still a pain in my ass.

We hit u psome great yardsales on Saturday while people were going through our house for a showing. I fot some great finds. At leasy I thought they were great until the mixed reactions I've been getting from people when I tell them what I bought. I think my most recent garage sale expedition warrants a whole separate post of it's own.

And...I think that brings you up to speed with what's been going on in my life since last week.

Oh, sometimes my dog does weirdly human things. The other day we were on our way out to the beach and I looked over and she was sitting there for about 10 minutes, just chilling uot, like this:

Friday, May 14, 2010

I pretended.... feign interest while in the last 20 minutes 5 co-workers have asked me if I know where my boss is, as apparently they need him to discuss very important business matters. I, on the other hand, am only concerened about his whereabouts because:
a) I need to tell him that I want to leave early today
b) he is bringing me a Strawberry Cheesequake Blizzard (clearly, I have no qualms about working in exchange for Dairy Queen.)

P.S. On an unrelated note, I've spent the last 15 minutes of my work day Googling "vodka cocktail ideas".

It's a wonder I still have a job.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Have you seen....

....this Grade 6 boy? He totally busts out an AMAZING rendition of Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi".

He was also scheduled to appear on Ellen today I belive.

Also, watch the girls in the back row. You can tell they are the popular girls in school. They probably never gave this kid the time of day....but they start to warm u phalfway through his song. This kid has no idea how much 11 year old girl lovin he is about to get now.

If was 19 years younger I would so be putting the moves on him.

......and cue the award for "Most Innapropriate Thing I've Ever Said".

I almost just signed.... on a work-related email to a colleague with:

Jamie xo

That would have been really awkward. I need to stop emailing co-workers immediately after emailing my Mom.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Don't get me wrong....

....I love me some Gary Busey (Point Break, anyone?) I mean, that guy is certifiably insane. Which is why I prefer to see him playing out his psychotic tendencies onscreen instead of giving me the crazy eye when I log onto

Infant child = pretty cute
Gary Busey = F'ing nuts


A recap.....

.....of yesterday in photos:

Here is my little Lola. Doesn't she look happy to be going on a roadtrip with us?

She almost looks angelic. If you look closely you may notice the soft glow of innocent bliss most puppies exude.

You see, up until now, she had no idea she was going in to get her lady bits cut off.

I tried to calm her down by telling her lots of canines have hysterectomies. It's fairly common for dogs her age. Nothing to panic about.

I told her that just in case something does go wrong, we should get a final photo of ourselves together, for posterity sake.

That didn't make her feel any better.

Anyways, we dropped her off at the vet and realized we had exactly 9 hours to kill in a strange city on a non-existent budget. So we decided to tap into our redneck genes and camp in the back of the van in the middle of the city.

We planned it well. We had a mattress, cooler, snacks, books and a change of clothes. I made myself pretty comfy.

There were two very tame squirrels. I named them Alejandro & Henry. They really like President's Choice decadent chocolate chunk cookies. Here they are eating them.

I fed them a whole lot of cookies. I sure hope they aren't diabetic.

Then we went and picked up Lola. She was pretty bummed. And maybe a little mad at me.

But I let her sit in my lap all the way home and we played.......

.....Peek-A-Boo with her head cone.

We stopped at Burger King since we don't have one in our town. It was a big day. We ordered a burger to share and the boy was nice enough to order it without pickles, relish, ketchup, mayo, tomatoes & lettuce so I would eat it.

It's called an "Angry Whopper". It should be called the Pleasant & Delicious Whopper because that is what it was.

Sometimes I forget....

....that on rare occasions, people actually read what I blog about here.

And sometimes I forget that family members, some of whom haven't seen me in years, check in on here from time to time.

And sometimes I forget that said family members then get talking to my Mom.

This morning my Mom emailed to inform me one of my aunts had read my blog.

Which prompted me to send the following response to my Mom.

"Well, if you are talking to her tell her I apologize for my use of profanity (and especially sorry for the rampant use of the terms "douchebag" and "ditch pig")."

I should start editing some of my entries before posting them. But I won't. (And sorry Lorri!)

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

When I started....

....this blog I made a conscious decision to try to keep it light, humourous and positive, and to avoid complianing about my life in general. Well, I am about to re-neg on all of that. Feel free to skip to the next entry. You've been warned.

So we had a house showing scheduled at 11:30 this morning. Ok, so far we've been lucky, all but on eother showing has been scheduled in the evenings when we're already home so I didn't want to complain. I did most of the tidying up this morning so that when I got home today, all I had to do was get the dogs rounded up. Well, I spent the first 10 minutes of being home lighting scented candles, turning on lamps and hiding the dirty dishes in the oven.

It's now 11:22 and I'm panicking. They could be here any minute and I don't have the dogs ready yet. I let Lola out of her crate....and I'll let you guess what was all over her little paws....which she then tracked across my clean floors in her excitement.

This is when I started to cry. Nothing hardcore, just tearing up a little. So, while gagging and trying to breathe through my mouth, I followed her trail around the house, all purpose cleaner in one hand, paper towels in the other.

Then I could only find two leashes. This is a problem because I have four dogs. So I had to resort to using the 20-foot long leashes that had been triple knotted to the deck of our home. This took about 10 minutes. While the dogs barked. While I panicked. And cried some more.

Finally, we set out on our way. A lovely 45-minute, sweat & profanity filled walk through the bush with 4 dogs getting excess leash tangled in trees, all while wearing my work clothes.

After what I thought was more than enough time we headed home. Only to realize the realtor had never even shown up. And to top it off, I realized I had to walk my lazy ass all the way back to work.

Wait, it gets better.

A few blocks from home a black cat crossed the sidewalk a few feet in front of me. It ran out into the road and almost got hit by a truck.

I assured myself the cat probably wasn't all black, therefore cancelling out the superstition about it being bad luck.

"Here kitty, kitty."

The cat came running right over and rubbed up against my leg. As I bent down to pet it, this cat has only one friggin eye.

I'm not even making this up.