Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Here is yet another.....

.....sign that I am too old to be this excited about Twilight Exclipse's debut tonight. I wrote on Facebook, "Jamie JOhnston can't wait for Eclipse tonight."

A contact, who is only a few years older than I am, wrote back:

"What time is it at? Is it a partial or full eclipse? I hadn't heard anything about it."

Awkward. To save this person unmerciless teasing, I deleted their comment. But not before I prep myself for the harsh barrage of ridicule that is sure to come from my other friends who do not understand my innapropriate crush on a 15-year-old werewolf boy.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Go ahead.....

....and drink in all this denim finery.

Have you ever seen so much denim in all your ever lovin' life?

We went to....

.... a local little carnival-type thing over the weekend. There were only a few rides, but it's been years since I've ridden anything even remotely scary.

The short one wanted to take me on some rides with her....I suggested the Scrambler. It's fun. Yet safe. It spins around and throws you out at sharp angles, but never goes higher than about three feet in the air.

Let me tell you, there's nothing like being called out by a 10-year-old. Apparently The Scrambler is for "wussies". And old people.

She suggested The Avalanche.

Sure, if a 10-year old can handle it, I'm sure I can too.

This won't be so bad. But why are there only 4 of us on this ride? Hm. Should I be concerned by that? Apparently, yes.

Later, the boy won the short one a stuffed monkey. On a sidenote, this is why we don't normally let him come out in public with us:

Fortunately, we were at a fair, so he actually blended in quite stealthily with the carneys.

My Mom had the.... line a few weeks back when we were talking about a mutual aquaintance she doesn't think too highly of. That this even bothesed her so much is hilarious.

"Ugh, I just can't stand him...with all his....his....thumb rings and stuff!" she cried indignantly.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Congratulations are in order.....

....for my friend Lori! She's been pretty much a lifelong friend of mine. Sometimes I forget how long I've known her...and then I realize how old I've gotten. We grew up in the same small town. Our parents were friends before we were.

Anyways, I'm not sure when I can go into more detail, and until I can, I just want to wish her & her husband congratulations! I'm so excited to see how this new journey unfolds for you!

Update: Not to be outdone.....babies are aplenty with my friends these days. Meesh has 3 months left to go til she meets her little gal. And Ash just found out she's having another girl! I can't wait to meet all these little babes. Keep it up ladies so I don't have to!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

While in California.....

......we were involved in a frightening road rage incident.

My brother was trying to pull out of the grocery store parking lot, during rush hour, and in the process of waiting for someone to let him in, he was blocking a turning lane. Well, the guy trying to get past us and into that truning lane did not appreciate this.

A stream of both Spanish curse words, and your more regular run-of-the-mill English ones spewed forth from his driver side window. I fully expected him to pull out a gun. I would be that tourist you read about in the papers. Wrong place, wrong time.

I on the other hand, hunkered down as low as I could in the back seat of the covreted handicap van. (Long story). Who yells at someone driving a wheelchair van?!?! I prepared myself for the inevitable sound of gunfire.

My brother stood his ground in the face of such verbal atrocities. I prayed he wouldn't back down and put the van into reverse. Mostly because, when in reverse, the van is equipped with a loud back-up beeping system, not unlike a dump truck. As if this incident weren't uncomfortable enough, I couldn't bear the humiliation of backing up, tail between our figurative legs, embarassed and weak, accompanied by the sound of that ear-splitting cacophony of BEEP.....BEEP.....BEEP.

Finally, the guy swerved around us, narrowly missing the front fender, flashed us the finger and spewed one more cascade of vulgar rhetoric our way before speeding off down the road.

"I can't believe a guy who drives a PT Cruiser has a mouth like that."

Why does eating.....

....cold pizza at 7:59 a.m. seem completely acceptable today? Is it because the alarm went off at 4:10 a.m. and I was at work by 4:52 a.m.?

Apparently all proper breakfast etiquette goes out the window when you are fillin gin on the morning show.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

California Anecdote #2

The hike.....oh sweet jesus, the hike.

My poor knees. My poor heart. My poor lungs.

Since the day we arrived in California, my brother was all amped up about this mountain hike he wanted to take us on. My brother has known me for over 26 years. he knows full well I am not a hiker. I complain on the days I have to walk 30 minutes to work. And that's all downhill. My aversion to walking is well known. But he seemed so excited about it, I couldn't dissapoint him. So I reluctantly agreed.

Prior to our adventure, I knew I would need to buy myself some footwear a little more substantial than the 2 pairs of flips flops I brought. Not wanting to spend $40 on a pair of running shoes that I wouldn't be able to take home in my carry-on, I settled on a pair of sensible $6.85 Keds.

Lesson learned. $6 children's shoes do not proper hiking boots make.

What my brother failed to mention, until we arrived at the base of Garrapata in Big Sur, was that he had only ever completed this hike once. And it took about 4.5 hours. And that he'd tried it before with some visiting relatives and they turned back after a short time. And that it can take up to 6 hours, depending on your hiking "ability".

For any of you unfamiliar with this area of Big Sur, allow me to share what I discovered on a hiking website, when I Googled it.

"Rocky Ridge Trail will be more enjoyable for the gung-ho hiker than the novice. The trail ascends very steeply as it climbs Rocky Ridge. Then, after gaining the ridge, hikers must descend an extremely steep mile (we’re talking about a 20 to 30 percent grade here) to connect to Soberanes Canyon Trail. The leg-weary, or those simply looking for an easier walk, will simply stroll through the redwoods of Soberanes Canyon and not attempt Rocky Ridge Trail."

One has to watch out for poison oak, which Ranger Tyler was kind enough to point out.

At one point he also informed me he had just flung a baby black window off my shoulder.

We also had to be on the lookout for mountain lions. Which thankfully we didn't see. At on epoint, I vaguely remember stating, "Well, at least we've gone this far without seeing any snakes."

Oh, wait.

So the trek started off pretty good. I still found time to behave like a jackass, re-enacting Dirty Dancing scenes and generally being a smug idiot.

Within an hour into the hike, we hadn't even really started tackling any kind of incline yet. It was a "lesisurely" stroll, through streams and Redwood forests. So far, I've teared up once. And fallen twice. We encountered some friendly hikers who offered to take our photo. Notice the dried blood on my left knee.

I'm pretty sure for the next 4 hours, I used every curse word known to man. I may have threatened my brother's life. I may have also broken down and told the rest of the group to just leave me and go on alone. At that point, I honestly thought dying alone on a remote mountainside would be preferable to continuing the trek uphill.

I was clearly the Achilles Heel of the group. I made us stop every 10 steps so I could catch my breathe. I wish I were exaggerating.

I will admit, that the scenery was the most amazing thing ever. Between trying not to collapse and hyperventiliating, I probably didn't get to enjoy it as much as I should have. Fortunately, we got lots of photos so I could enjoy them later, with a clearer head.

I also had to pee at the top. I would have given anything for a roll of toilet paper and some privacy at that point. Anyways, my mood immediately improved once I realized that we had passed the most difficult point and that the final hour of our trip would be all downhill. Literally. My brother pointed out that I seemed like a "changed person". I couldn't argue with that.

Once we reached the bottom, they had the nerve to ask whether I would ever do the hike again. They seemed genuinely surprised when I said no. I don't get some people.

California Anecdote #1

On my first day at the beach, a European tourist started out by giving me a high five, and in addition, gave me a full on wind-up windmill ass slap as I exited the ocean. Maybe this is how everyone greets each other here. If so, I'm not leaving.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

So I'm back from California....

...and I'm starting to come out of my depression at being back in the real world. Slowly.

Everyone has been asking how the trip was. In a word - amazing. I got to hang with my bro & SIL. I laughed so hard that I cried, on average, twice a day.

It really is the land of dreams. My dreams anyways. The ocean. Hot surfers. Alcohol available for purchase in grocery stores, Walmart, Zellers etc. $11 vodka. That's right. $11. Being asked for identification at Trader Joe's. Getting a discount at Safeway just because we were sunburnt Canadian tourists.

Anyways, I've got some stories and photos to share, which I will try to do in the next few days.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

It's finally.....

....almost time. On Saturday morning at 3 a.m. Jenn & I will be hitting the road for the Toronto airport, en route to San Francisco. We have been planning this trip since last year. We've been counting down to it for months. I saved up for what seemed like an eternity. I had to sacrifice countless McDonald's breakfasts and cable payments in order to be able to do this.

And it's finally (almost) here.

Now, I don't leave the confines of my small town very often. It's a big daytrip for us if we leave the county and visit a neighbouring community. And don't get me started on our weekend trips to Ottawa. Those require weeks of meticulous planning, days of packing, hours of laundry, 4 checklists, countless pre-coordination emails, and about 3 suitcases too many. So this is a big deal. I know Jenn will miss her hubby, and her boy, and her adorable baby. And her new, gorgeous house. And of course, being so far from home, I'll miss the boy. And I will miss my 4 little doggie bums. I will miss coming home and changing into a ball cap and ill-fitting sweatpants. I will miss the lower standards for what is acceptable to wear in public. I will miss the small town mentality. And simple life. But that's about it. But I think I will somehow manage to make it through a week filled with water, and surfing and sightseeing and beaches and relxation and roadtrips and waking up with absolutely nothing to do. So for 7 days, I will manage. Then I will return to the safety of my job and my little house and my never-ending battle with tufts of dog hair.

But until then....I am ridiculously excited.

We are going to visit Alcatraz within a couple hours of landing.

I've never been to Alcatraz so I'm looking forward to doing the tour.

We are also going to go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I went last year, alone, and I could have spent the entire day there. So it'll be nice to share the experience with someone else.

Even if that person hates me by the end of the day because I've forced them to watch penguins for hours upon hours. Or if I've driven them to insanity by endlessly cooing over stingrays.

We are going to take a road trip along "The 1" towards Big Sur.

It's probably one of the nicest drives I've ever taken in my life. We will probably stop at Nepenthe, an incredible restaurant in the middle of the forest, overlooking the Pacific Ocean, perfect for whale watching....and patio drinking.

I'm sure my brother won't mind driving his inhebriated big sister up and down the coast.

I'm going to take Jenn to my favourite beach in Carmel.

I'm going to go surfing again. I wish I could tell you this is a shot of myself, my sister-in-law and Jenn. But.....oh! Yes, look-ey here, you're right. It is.

I'll get to see my brother & sister-in-law again for the first time in over a year.

And my doggie nephew. Abner.

And my new doggie niece, Tilly, whom I've never met. I'll also get to see their new home.

And between now and our flight out on Saturday morning, I will try hard not to think about my fear of flying. And I will wrack my brain to come up with a clever and witty blog entry before I go. This way, if my plane goes down, just like I am sure it is on the verge of doing every single time I fly, then I will be satisfied knowing I have left a humourous and entertaining last entry.

No pressure.

Ok, I almost....

....just threw up my coffeee. Do I really need to see this first thing in the morning?

The worst part? He's holding her purse. Or clutch. Whatever. Mikey, I would never, never, make you do that for me honey. Just remember that, mmmkay?

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

As thrilled as I was..... discover the Golden Girls in syndication......The Wonder Years is one show that I wish was on a lot more than it is. I loved this show. The music, the sets, the clothes, Fred Savage's voice overs, the themes, the style. So good.

That is all.

Monday, June 7, 2010

We went.... the drive-in on Saturday night. We saw Get Him to the Greek (which was really funny) and the new Robin Hood. I've never been to the drive-in here in Owen Sound. And it's been years and years since I went to one anywhere. I'm thinking high school. Anyways, the boy treated me to it, and it felt like a real "date". Like normal couples might go on when they first get together. Except on a normal date I probably would not have consumed (i.e. inhaled) an entire serving of nachos with cheese sauce and jalapenos. And I probably would have tried not to fall asleep during the second film. And I probably wouldn't have brought my drooling, overweight dog along for the ride. I surely wouldn't have worn pajamas. And I wouldn't have commented to my date that I want to hook up with Russell Brand.

Am I ever glad we are long past all those awkward formalities.

I thought..... was going to be a good day. Until I was spit on by a co-worker. A co-worker I am not particularly close with. It wasn't a big glob of saliva or anything. More of a spray. A fine dew. Neither of us acknowldged it. That would have been even more awkward. But it made it very difficult to focus on the conversation at hand. I tried to follow along with what was being said but I kept glancing at the lid of my coffee cup to see it looked contaminated by the mist.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I really can't explain.....

....why I have such an affinity for the Golden Girls. I'm certainly not in their target demo. But for as long as I can remember the show has ranked among one of my favourites. And I know a surprisingly high number of friends who feel the same.

As a young girl, myself and my best friends watched it religously during summer holidays. We were about 8. I'm sure most of the humour was way beyond us. But we loved it anyways. For a while I was nicknamed Blanche in her honour. Which made no sense. And may (probably) account for why I was such a strange youngster.

Anyways, of course Betty White tends to be the one making headlines these days with her current surge in popularity. But today it is Rue McClanahan who is in the news. The woman who played Blanche Deveraux (my favourite Golden Girl character alternated between her & Dorothy, depeneding which season we're talking about) passed away this morning. posted a great tribute to her. You can check it out here if you like.

I can't wait to go home this afternoon and catch the now daily back-to-back GG rerun.

Ruth, may there be ample handsome suitors and a rainbow-hued array of silk robes awaiting you.

One of the friends I refereed to above just snet me this message:

"awe, so many good memories, such a loss...:)...but i still find it a tad strange that at 10 years old golden girls were one of our top shows....and on another not we gotta thank god we still got barker around 86 and going strong!"

The odd thng is she hadn't even read this blog posting yet. I was goin gto allow her to remain anonymous, but Tina, you just outed yourself. No worries, Bob & Blanche are nothing to be ashamed of. I should know.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Have you ever....

.....seen that email that gets passed around entitled "The People of Walmart"? Well, essentially, it's random photos of people who have been snapped shopping at Walmart. Not just any people. The skiddiest of the skids. The most inner bred of the inbred.

Well, a co-worker had a good point this morning. Some of those poor people are probably actually very nice, normal, individuals who, under normal circumstances, would never leave the house like that. Maybe they were in their pajamas and suddenly realized they were out of bread or milk or Febreeze Noticeables or somehting important, and thought "Oh, I'll just pop over to Walmart, it's open late, and surely no one I know will be there at this time of night. Maybe I'll just not change out of these sweatpants and matching baby tee. I'll just be in and out."

Then, BAM, next day, their polyester encased body is rampantly being spread through the email accounts of North America.

Anyways, this very well could have happened to me last night. I lay on the couhc, my entire chest covered in about an inch of bright green goo (aloe vera gel), wearing a tube top and pajama pants. Suddenly the boy realized he was out of diabetic testing strips. HE asked me if I wanted to go for the drive with him. I reluctantly agreed, knowing he would do the same for me.

I should also mention that due to the severity of my sunbrun, I could not lift my arms. I asked the boy to put my hair into an elsatic for me, as my chest burned at even the slightest touch. Plus, I was tired of pulling long hair out of the goo on my chest.

Anyways, the boy look terrified. He's apparently never held a hair elastic in his entire life. He finally relented though and I left the house with a semi-side ponytail. That's right. Straight outta 1993. Anyways, I started to change into my jeans, but the boy pointed out that I could just go the way I was and wait for him in the car while he ran in. Besides, it's almost 10:30, it's dark, you're not going to see anyone you know.

You see where this is going right?

So my tube-topped, blister-covered, green-jelly-slathered, side-ponytail wearing self waited patiently in the car while the boy ran inside the pharmacy.

"Oh look...there's Jenn."

I slouched as low as I possibly could in the seat.

"What would she be doing out here at this time of night? Oh good, she didn't see me."


"Please don't let her run into JR inside."

Suddenly my eyes darted to a form approaching from the well lit aisles.....he headed for the exit.

"Oh god, he's holding the door for her."

Now they are talking.

"Don't let him point at me. Don't let him point at me."

He points at me.

Thinking quickly I reach over and flash the lights on & off once.

"There, that should suffice as a greeting. No need to come over to chat. She's probably in a rush anyways."

He points again. Then they start to walk over to the vehicle.

"You have got to be kidding me."

I'm hiked up my tube top, attempted to smoothed out my ridiculously askew ponytail, wiped the excess goo off my chest, and sighed. Of course. Only me.

Anyways, the next time I receive the People of Walmart forward, I will certainly think twice before sending it along to everyone in my contact list. And I will also briefly scan it through to ensure I'm not amongst the poor individuals featured in those photos.