Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I think I may have.....

.....quit smoking.

I can't promise this as I've never really tried before. But I had been saving my one last cigarette for about two weeks. I'd be carrying the lonely little guy around, in an old tattered pack in my purse for at least 2 weeks. I'd probably had that pack for a month. So I've really cut down a lot in the last few years anyways. Not working at the bar anymore certainly helped.

To be fair, I haven't tested myself a whole lot either. I haven't been around any other smokers yet. And I haven't been at a party where people are smoking recently either. That has always been my downfall. I'd cut down enough so that I was pretty much only socially smoking. I would have a couple if I was out having drinks somewhere. I was never one of those people who smoked first thing in the morning. I never wanted one after eating. And I never took cigarette breaks at work (not counting the bar). So I've been pretty disciplined about it. However, for as long as I can remember, the second I have a sip of alcohol the urge to smoke is overwhelming. ("When it hits your lips, it tastes so good!" - Will Ferrell) The two pretty much went hand in hand. I started when I was 15 year sold and have never quit - or tried to quit - since then. I'm going to be 29 this fall.

Well, all that to say, I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself......but I'm going to see how it goes anyways. I finally smoked that last little guy on Friday afternoon. It was nice. But not amazing. And I actually felt a little nauseous afterwards.

I had more drinks on Saturday (don't judge, I was at the cottage).....and at one point it crossed my mind that I wished I had a cigarette....but I held out. I didn't buy any. I didn't borrow any. And I made it.

Anyways.....part of the reason that it's hard for me to quit is that it is a bit scary. It feel like smoking was one of the last bits of rebellion I could muster. It was a part of my youth. And it's one of the only part of my wild teenage years that I've hung onto. I no longer dye my hair weird colours, I no longer feel the need to pierce numerous visible & non-visible body parts. In a weird way, even though i know it's healthy to quit, I feel like it's making me old. Maybe that's why people always feel the need to tell you that they used to be a smoker. Maybe they are trying to prove something.

"Hey, do you mind if I smoke?"
"Oh, not at all....I smoked for years. Used to smoke a pack a day."

Are they trying to prove something about who they are? Maybe these weird feelings are all a part of the quitting process.

I'm probably jinxing myself by writing about it and sharing the news with everyone. Or maybe that will help. We'll see. I've never been good at setting goals for myself and sticking to them. But this is one I'd like to keep up. Wish me luck!

1 comment:

Meesh said...