Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Do you ever lie in bed at night and think back over all your exes in order of chronology? Do only I do this? It's kind of like counting sheep....before you know it, you've drifted off to sleep.

I was doing this the other night....and I started thinking about random dates I had had with people. Not people I've dated...just dates. The bad ones. Here are the 3 worst dates I can remember:

3. I went on a blind date. Only it wasn't totally blind. We had been given each other's email addresses prior to meeting so we chatted online before we actually met. We made plans to meet after work for drinks one day. Unfortunately, the night prior was when I had the infamous "dye job incident".

I was tempted to cancel, but I went anyways, hoping he wouldn't notice my hair was 6 inches shorter than it had been in the photo I sent him. And black. And that I had dark dye stains all over my eras and neck. Anyways....I got there first and waited. As soon as he showed up I wanted to bail. But I was in an enclosed patio area and co9uldn't escape. he was not at all what I had pictured. And not at all how he looked in his photo. Ok, fair is fair...I probably don't look how I looked in my photo either. Unfortunately this guy had also developped a serious attitude problem in the 24 hours since I'd last spoken to him. He barely smiled when we met, he insisted on ordering food even though we had earlier agreed we'd just meet for drinks. So he sat and stuffed his face and barely spoke to me while I sat there sipping on my beer. He was completely lacking a personality. I barely remember what he said, and it was like pulling teeth getting him to talk. The worst part about the whole date was this face-stuffing, no personality 400-pound ignorant douche treated me as if he was unipressed with me! What a blow to my then already-iffy ego! I still think this is why I have an aversion to Boston Pizza.

2. I had a crush on this guy that used to come into my bar. He was quiet and polite and kept mostly to himself and never flirted with anyone. Let me share some words of wisdom with you ladies....I looked at all these qualities and filled in the blanks with imaginary traits I believed him to possess. "He's probably also smart and sensitive and mature", I thought. Do not ever do this. Quiet does not necessarily equal sensitive & smart & sweet. This guy finally asked me out on a date. After our date, I decided I was wrong about him and that I would never go out with him again. Unfortunately, he decided to start showing up at my house in the middle of the night after leaving the bar with a full night of beer drinking behind him. That is all besides the point. Here are the highlights from that first date:

Him: "What's wrong, do I not turn you on?" (His query after I gently rebuffed his advances....on our first and only date)

Him: "Yeah, I kinda collect knives."

Him: "I'm a redneck, I admit it."

Him: "I hear you're looking for a roomate. Do you think I could be your roomate?" He was serious.

1. The all time daddy of bad dates. I got set up on a blind date. My first ever. (And second last one too.) Anyways, it was a friend's cousin, and since this friend was setting us up he offered to have me for dinner at his place to meet him (oh yeah, I should mention he was recently seperated from his wife and living in my friend's basement). So while at first it sounded like a good idea, having his cousin there as a buffer, it also felt like a family sit down formal holiday meal or something.

Within 5 minutes of meeting him....

Him: "I think I really like you."
Him: "I know we just met, but would you be my date for my staff Christmas Party in 2 weeks?"

Within an hour of meeting him.....

Him: "I really like you. I'm so glad we did this."
Him: "Do you ever want to have kids?"
Him: "So you own a house? Good for you! Do you think you could ever see me living there with you?"

GAHHH!!!! Oh, I may have also failed to mention that this guy gave me the tour of his "room"...aka, the basement. His bedroom looked like my uncle's dorm room bac k in 1978. And I also discovered he collected American Eagles. There was a giant eagle draped flag hung above his bed, eagle posters, ceramic eagle figurines.....and the kicker was....

Him: "Check this out!" as he whipped out his gold chain with the Eagle charm. Enough said.

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