Wednesday, February 17, 2010

While I'm on the topic....

...of The Bachelor, yes, I do realize this is one of the most terrible and contrived shows on tv. But I still watch. Deal with it.

However, let me say upfront, I have no idea why so many girls I know are fawning all over this year's Bachelor, Jake. All over facebook I know girls, who seemed sensible and smart, who keep chattering about how much they love him and how he's the best Bachelor yet. Um, really?

So far, this guys has shown absolutely ZERO personality. He has said nothing charming or funny or remotely witty. Nor has he done anything to indicate he is anything less than a giant schmuck. Now, I know the show and its semi-staged plot lines and the producers are partly to blame. But could they not have found someone with a bit more of an edge? Someone, less, boring & nice? I mean, nice is good, but give me a break. This guy is putting me to sleep.

Let's examine the evidence:

"I'm not looking for the most beautiful girl. I'm looking for the most beautiful heart." - Jake

Ok, Jake, I believe you are not looking for the most beautiful girl. Rumour has it, you end up choosing Vienna. (I'm not ruining anytihng for anyone who's been watching the show. This terribly kept "secret" is all over the internet). Vienna's face is messed up. And those raggedy yellow extensions. Gross. My Barbie's had more realistic looking hair. And other parts for that matter. And don't get me started on her crazy eye.

But you are certainly not looking for the most "beautiful heart" either. Vienna is a dirt bag. Seriously. Girls, if Vienna went to your high school, or if she was a regular at the pub you frequent, or, god forbid, a co-worker of yours, you would want to punch her in the mouth. Let's examine what we know about Vienna.
-Up until recently she worked at Hooters.
-She competes in bikini competitions on weekends (when not scheduled for a shift at Hooters I presume).
-Her mother is, or was, a topless dancer.
-All the other girls despise her.
-She's always walking around with her plastic ta-ta's hanging out.
-She spends way too much time in tanning beds.
-She refers to herself as "Daddy's Little Princess".
-She jokes about how many cars she's wrecked.
-She eloped with a guy her parents had never even met, and then waited until he was deployed to Iraq before emptying his bank account to purchase the aforementioned ta-ta's.

Beautiful heart, my ass.

Secondly, sorry to dissapoint you ladies, but Jake is not a real pilot. Oh sure, he has his pilot's license. But his actual occupation is that of a Limo Rental company owner. Nothing wrong with that, right? But obviously a pilot sounds much more glamourous. Which leads me to another quote, taken directly from Jake on Monday night's episode.

Jake is bragging about how romantic and spontaneous he is. “One Saturday night we’re at dinner, and I could say, ‘You know what? Why don’t we go to the Caymans together’?” Riiiiight. Jake, if we polled your exes how many of them ever got this distinct pleasure. I'm willing to bet zero. Besides, wouldn't you have to book time of from your limo rental company first? Ok......

Furthermore, Jake is just so transparent. I do believe that he truly is, or was, the "Aw Shucks"-good-ole-Southern-gentleman type, all morals and values, like the show tries to portray. But it's all gone out the window with his first taste of trashy, plastic blondes all wanting their 15 minutes of fame. It's too much for him to handle. If he were genuinely looking for a wife, he would choose Tenley, hands down. She is the only one he appears to have anything in common with (other than sexual chemistry. As far as that goes....well, they'd have their whole marriage to work on it, right?)

And don't even get me started on how fake this show is. On Monday's episode Jake is being filmed leaning against a barrier, staring off into the ocean. His date, Gia supposedly "sneaks up" behind him and surprises him. As IF he didn't know she was coming. Why the hell else would he have been wiating in the middle of a path, in a foreign country with camera crew rolling? What a coincidence that she showed up and found you just then! But wait, it gets better...the first words out of Jakes mouth when he recovers from the shock? “I didn’t even know you were coming!”, I guarantee that's not the first or last time Jake's used that line. I'll leave it at that. Too...many.....jokes......

Finally, I liked Gia from what I saw on the show. Sure, she's dumb as a stump and claims to think of herself the "artsy, ugly girl" (was that before or after she did her Maxim spread a few years back I wonder?). But Jake isn't right for her. He just isn't her type. Did you see those shorts she was wearing? You might have missed them due to the fact that they were almost invisible. I thought this show was family friendly. Ok, I didn't. But I almost got to see way more of Gia than I needed to. Ironically, Gia & Jake end their date at a place called "Smuggler's Cove." Insert sexual-innuendo jokes here.

Thi shas nothing to do with Jake, but more to do with the reason why I have a such a love-hate relationship with this show. Ali had to leave teh show last week, or risk losing her job. So she left. On monday night they show her waking up in a hotel room and gazing at two large glossy 8x10 promotional shots of Jake. Really? We're supposed to believe she sleeps with these on her nightstand? They are almost poster-size. And in all the time she spent with Jake, did she neevr bust out a camera? Instead she has to gaze longingly at the staged publicity photos the producers included with her press kit for the show?

Ok, back to the final reason I am completely turned off by Jake....

“I have such a burning desire to get to know her heart.”
"I want someone who is nuturing."
"All 25 women were absolutely amazing. Very high caliber, I mean, from all walks of life. Just incredible journeys, you know."
"Well, being perfect, I think, what a compliment, golly!"
“I am going to let my heart lead.”

BARF. What guy talks like that? A total sleaze ball, that's who.

The sad part is, I already can't wait for next Monday's show.

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